The best parenting GIFT of all: Insight, freedom and time

(A similar version was originally posted on The Oregonian's Omamas blog site.)

We want our kids to have wonderful birthdays and holidays. What would it take to achieve that? Whatever the gift, it will most likely produce a bit of happiness -- for a small amount of time.

There is a bigger gift we can give our kids -- something that will increase their sense of well-being and not cost much at all. I’ve put it into an acronym: GIFT, which stands for Give Insight, Freedom and Time.

Insight
“Let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen carefully.”
~Littlefoot's mother, Land Before Time

Give them insight into themselves. Help them find their strengths, discover their own values and understand how to be psychologically flexible.

When kids spend time on activities they are good at, they have more opportunities to succeed, which will give them the confidence to move forward. Sometimes kids need help finding out what they are good at.

They will surely adopt some of your values, but they should discover their highest values on their own. That will help them choose the goals that will lead them in a positive direction.

Talk about what to do when things don’t go well and that we can’t plan for every situation, but if we learn to be flexible, we have a better ability to bounce back. Difficult situations, feelings, and people will always come up. The degree to which your child can be flexible in those situations can boost his or her resiliency. Instead of telling your child what they should do in a situation, ask questions and let them come up with the answers.

Talk about what went wrong in your life and how you handled it, or how you made mistakes and wished you had done something differently. Talk about people you have met or worked with who made an impact on you, whether good or bad.

Driving them somewhere? There is an opportunity to talk. At the end of the day, sit on the floor of their room and chat while they are winding down. This is perhaps the time of day when they are most receptive to your words, and more importantly, most likely to tell you about their thoughts, feelings and experiences. If you get into this very valuable situation, remember to listen. Don’t interrupt or give advice. Just listen.

Freedom
“Give your child a hug when needed, but don't forget to let go!”
~Andrew Vogl



We think we are good parents if we constantly protect our kids and keep them safe. Yes, it’s important to teach them safety and help them to recognize the bumps in the road, but it’s even more important to let them go on their own. Yes, there are dangers out there, but let’s stay realistic about the statistics. If we’ve taught them well, they will know what to do. The more skills they learn in our care, the more prepared for the world they will be.


Let them play video games. The technological skills they learn will be needed in the 21st century. Gaming is even being brought into the educational setting. MIT has a research department that researches how to bring education into gaming, The Education Arcade.) I like one description of video games from one of the site’s blogs: “What is a game if not an exercise in hands-on inquiry? In the typical game, players encounter situations that appear chaotic and incomprehensible. Only by observation and probing, followed by deductive reasoning, hypothesis formation and experimentation do players come to understand the game’s ‘phenomena’ and master them.”

Keep video games age-appropriate, of course, and remember to keep children up to date on online safety.

Give them the freedom to choose. Going to a movie or out to eat? Give them three choices and let them pick. Perhaps give them the gift of an entire day to do whatever they want.

Time
“We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.”
~Stacia Tauscher

In our efforts to do right by our kids, we schedule their days with school, sports, music and other extracurricular activities. We feel they need to keep moving in order to succeed in life. We sometimes forget that today matters, too. Playtime is necessary and beneficial to well-being. Taking time to play may even help them to reach that next step.

We have all heard the mantra, “Spend quality time with your kids.” Some parents wonder what exactly that entails. There are no rules, but here is a good guideline: Any time that you are enjoying your kids' presence while making eye contact, smiling or laughing is quality time.

Fifteen minutes spent playing a favorite video game with your child may be more valuable than two hours at the movie theater. Instead of reading a book, how about reading a play (look into Reader’s Theater) and using silly voices? Your teen may value shared laughter from watching funny YouTube videos with you rather than spending two hours at the mall. Try going out for lunch and bringing a deck of cards -- see what happens. Go for a bike ride, shoot some hoops or take a walk. Do something you’ve never tried before.

It’s the little GIFTs that count. Behold your kids and teens this year season and smile.

-- Marjie Braun Knudsen