When our children are not with us, will they be OK? When something goes wrong, how will they react? And more importantly, how will they recover? How can we keep our children safe?
Difficulties in life come up. Mistakes happen. Errors in judgment are made -- even our own. There are sometimes complications and harassments at school. What can we do to help our children deal with the stresses and strains of life?
As parents, we can help our children learn skills to develop and recognize the traits found in resilient people. Some kids and teens do well under difficult circumstances, others not at all. There are differences in strengths, weaknesses and personalities. All children need to learn how to be resilient. It does not matter if the problems are big or small; any one of them can take a toll in terms of worry, fear, hesitation,anxiety, depression, etc.
The kids and teens who bounce back tend to have some combination of the same four traits. I’ve put them into an acronym for easy remembering: SAFE.
Someone in my life supports me with unconditional love and guidance.
Asking for help is OK when needed.
Friendliness, likability and respect for others and myself are important to me.
Expressing and solving problems is something I can do.
It seems like it might be easy for children to acquire these traits. Unfortunately, it is not. Edith Henderson Grotberg, founder and past director of the International Resilience Project, explained the difficulties in “A Guide to Promoting Resilience in Children: Strengthening the Human Spirit.”
Grotberg wrote, “Too many adults crush or impede resilience in children or give mixed messages and too many children feel helpless, sad and not fully loved. This is not the situation necessarily out of intent; it is more the fact that people do not know about resilience or how to promote it in children.”
The best way to teach resiliency is to model it. For an easy-to-read guide, see "Resilience: How to Navigate Life’s Curves" by Senia Maymin and Kathryn Britton. It comprises articles from 16 authors from five continents that teach how to survive life’s bumps in the road. And if we can understand the right direction to go in with resiliency, we can show our children the way.
You can promote the traits above by discussing them. Pick one every week and talk about situations in which you used the trait to help yourself. Ask your child what the trait means to her, and if she feels she understands how it can help her in difficult situations. And if you get in the valuable situation where your child is telling you about one of these traits in his life, or the need for it, don’t talk. Just listen carefully.
Resiliency is not strength alone. It is flexibility, wisdom, love and kindness.
-- Marjie Braun Knudsen
(Originally posted on The Oregonian's parenting website, Omamas)
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